A Curiously English Repast

In search of sustenance on Saturday evening last, my dining companions and I chanced upon a small hostelry in the Essex town of Billericay, known as "Chez Roberts". On learning that their capacity extended to only one table for eight, we anticipated disappointment, but were heartened to secure a reservation for seven that evening. On arrival we were met by the Maître d', who escorted us to our table, which was so situated as to afford us an excellent view of the entire kitchen area. The table was set with functional tableware in the English style, and soon the initial course was presented.
It was indeed illuminating, if a little unusual, to have such a detailed insight into the functioning of this small restaurant. There was a single member of the équipe de cuisine who appeared to be handling all the preparation and plating. Slices of lamb roasted with rosemary, and a selection of vegetables were soon efficiently delivered to the table, prompting expressions of enjoyment from my dining partner Helenjamin, although a certain reticence as to the provenance of the broccoli was vouchsafed by my other dining partners Sophiejamin and Judyjamin, who were clearly reluctant to sample the relevant vegetables given their disturbingly close proximity to the other comestibles on the plate. Their hesitation finally overcome through repeated assertions by Helenjamin that no dessert course would be available to them should they not at least sample all the vegetables, we were able then to turn our attention to the house wine. The sommelier had selected a recent Shiraz imported by Roberts frères of Romford, which complemented the roast lamb admirably. We limited ourselves to a single bottle.
The dessert course was then presented, an apple pie with friable pastry and a Bramley interior at a considerable temperature, which prompted muffled gasps and repeated gesticulations for a jug of cold water to be provided. The pie was accompanied by a simple cream-based sauce presented, with a humorous nod toward the provisions department in which it originated, in its original five fluid ounce carton.
Coffee was taken at table. I suspect it to be a preparation based on the Ikea £1.29 for 500g range of bespoke coffees. Chocolate Mints were also provided and more heartily consumed by my younger dining companions than had been the earlier vegetable ragoût. The total cost amounted to a very reasonable £0.00 and we left the establishment some three hours later with not only our dinner taken care of but also 20kg of potatoes, some jam, 10kg of apples and a second-hand bicycle. If "Chez Roberts" treats all its clientele in this way, it is assured of a special place in the annals of English cuisine.